The Heart of Leadership
Tapping into Your Emotional Intelligence
👋 Welcome to The Influential Project Manager, a weekly newsletter covering the essentials of successful project leadership.
Today’s Overview:
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they're telling you, and realize how your emotions affect other people.
There are five elements that define Emotional Intelligence: (1) Self-Awareness, (2) Self-Regulation, (3) Motivation, (4) Empathy, and (5) Social Skills.
While IQ is important, EQ is often the determining factor in leadership and executive roles. Developing and using your emotional intelligence is a great way to show others the leader inside of you.
Today’s Newsletter is Brought to You by Passionfroot.
Sponsor this Newsletter.
Guess what? You're reading promotional content in a newsletter. Sponsoring influencer newsletters, like mine, is a great way to reach engaged and targeted audiences. It will build your brand — whether that is your personal brand or your business.
The Influential Project Manager newsletter is part of the Passionfroot Sponsor Network. This network connects businesses to audiences of newsletter readers. For example, you can sponsor The Influential Project Manager and connect with over 2,000 people with similar interests to yours.
The Heart of Leadership: Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence
“To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
We all have two minds. One that thinks and one that feels.
While IQ is important, EQ is often the determining factor in leadership and executive roles.
The ability to recognize, understand, manage, and effectively use emotions – is more critical to workplace success than conventional intelligence or technical skills.
Emotions are important because they guide and motivate us to act. However, they also cause us to act irrationally.
The true value of emotional intelligence lies in its ability to balance these emotional forces.
It equips us with the soft skills needed to perceive, interpret, and manage both our own emotions and those of others.
For roles like project managers, it's not just an added benefit – it's essential. It binds teams, ensures smooth project execution, and creates positive client relationships.
So, let’s dive deeper: what exactly is emotional intelligence, and what can you do to improve yours?
Misconceptions About Emotional Intelligence
You should know there are plenty of misconceptions around emotional intelligence.
Before we get into what EI is, let’s talk about what it is NOT:
Emotional intelligence is not merely “being nice”. At times, emotionally intelligent can mean getting angry, or confronting someone.
Emotional intelligence is not about “giving free rein to feelings”, but it’s about managing feelings to express them effectively and appropriately.
Emotional intelligence is not genetically fixed and, unlike IQ, it seems to be largely learned, and in continuous development as we grow.
IQ doesn’t predict career success, EI Does.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they're telling you, and realize how your emotions affect other people.
The 5 Main Elements of Emotional Intelligence
In his bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ, Goleman identifies the 5 main elements of “EQ”.
While Daniel Goleman was not the first to define emotional intelligence, his writings popularized it and brought EI to a broader audience.
1. Self-Awareness
“He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.” - Lao Tzu
People with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware. This means being aware of your emotions when they happen, particularly the negative ones like anxiety, depression, and anger. It involves noticing what happens to your body physically and what goes on in your head mentally.
People with high emotional self-awareness can easily reflect on their:
Mood
Strengths
Weaknesses
Wants
2. Self-Regulation
We usually can’t control our emotions when they first surface. However, once we’re aware of them, we can manage our response by using techniques to manage negative emotions so that they don’t last so long.
Techniques include re-framing a situation that made you angry, increasing physical arousal if depressed, and reducing physical arousal if anxious.
The goal of self-regulation is to take emotional responses and recognize them, but not let them hijack your behavior or control how you handle relationships.
3. Motivation
This is about managing your impulses so they support your goals, not block them.
This mean being hopeful and optimistic in the face of difficulty, and using goal-directed self-imposed delayed gratification to achieve goals, and using flow state to reach peak performance.
Motivated people are driven to achieve goals and exceed the expectations set for them.
4. Empathy
Being aware of other people's emotions requires us to have empathy. We must recognize others’ feelings and be attuned to their needs and wants.
To have empathy, we need to be calm enough such that we can mirror the other person’s physiological state, allowing us to literally feel what they feel.
Empathetic individuals think beyond themselves and remove personal bias to make decisions for a team or organization.
5. Social skills
Unless you live on a deserted island, it will be difficult for you to live a happy life just by managing your mind.
The people around you play a big part in your existence, and only by managing your social interactions with them can you hope to be fulfilled at work and in life.
As you've probably determined, emotional intelligence can be a key to success in your life – especially in your career.
The ability to manage people and relationships is very important in all leaders, so developing and using your emotional intelligence can be a good way to show others the leader inside of you.
Strategies for Improving Your Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence can make you more fulfilled, now one might ask if it's possible to increase it.
The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned and developed. Along with improving your skills in the five areas above, consider these additional strategies:
1. Understanding Your Emotions
Start by focusing on the first pillar, and learn to be aware of and understand your emotions.
If you want to boost your self-awareness and self-management, you can practice using inner dialogues. It will help you identify and name your feelings.
You should ask yourself things like:
Why am I upset?
Why am I feeling this way?
What emotions do I currently feel about my work or my colleagues?
How do these emotions affect the people around me?
Am I letting negative emotions affect the way I interact with colleagues or perform my work?
Once you begin naming and tracking emotions, you can assess your weaknesses – times when you let negative feelings (anger, frustration, apprehension, fear, overwhelmed, jealousy, inadequacy, etc.) cloud your judgment and stop you from performing to your best.
2. Giving Feedback: The Artful Criticism
In life, there will be times where we need to tell others to improve, and if we do it wrong, they will get offended and at upset at us. But if we do it right, they will be appreciative, and the relationship will improve.
The XYZ Method of “When you did X, I felt Y, and I’d rather you do Z instead," is great because it's focused on how I feel, not on attacking the other person. It also offers a specific solution.
From personal experience, I would also add the following rules about giving an artful critique:
Timing: They are not busy; their mood is good
Environment: No one else is present; the environment is comfortable
Intention: Be considerate, not critical or judging
Tone of Voice: warm and comfortable
Person: Make sure you have their trust. Whatever behavior you're advising on, make sure you first set a good example with your behavior.
Giving criticism is difficult for both the giver and the receiver. But if we can do it right, it's highly worth it.
3. Team Performance
In team performance, harmony is the single greatest determinant.
Harmony allows every member to contribute their fullest to the team. If there’s any emotional friction, then people cannot offer their best.
Pay close attention to where everyone’s hearts are at and put an emphasis on harmony to reduce stress and arguments in your interactions with others.
4. Respond Don’t React
If you get very angry during an argument, try to pause to calm down. Strong emotions often stifle your thinking so you can say or do things you'll regret later.
Emotionally intelligent people are intentional about how they respond to events.
Remember this simple framework:
E + R = O
Events + Response = Outcome
Outcomes are produced by how you choose to respond, not just by the events we experience. We cannot control Events, but we can control how we respond.
Explore your belief system, and implement this new mindset into your life:
I do not control my events.
My response is my choice.
My behavior produces outcomes.
The Outcomes I get are not the result of what I want, they are the result of what I choose to do.
The most important decision you make is how you will manage your responses.
5. Boosting Empathy
Empathy is putting yourself in another person's shoes to understand their experience without actually going through it yourself.
If you want to improve your empathy, practice seeing the other person's perspective. For example:
When discussing timelines with trade partners, think about their challenges, remembering the balancing act they perform with multiple projects.
If you're reviewing blueprints, think about the architect's vision that birthed them.
If you're calling customer service, think about how it might feel to be on the other end of the conversation.
If you're going to someone's house, think about how it might feel to be the host.
The more clearly you understand the viewpoint of your trade partner, designer, client, coworker, or friend, the better positioned you are to lead.
6. Boosting Self-Motivation
Adopt a growth mindset. This means seeing failures as learning moments, not just bad luck.
People with this mindset believe they can improve and change. They push forward, even when things get tough. In contrast, those who think they can't change often give up too soon.
To stay motivated, believe in your ability to grow and avoid thinking you're stuck as you are.
7. Reframing
Reframing is a self-regulating technique that involves looking at a situation or problem from a different perspective, like changing the frame of a picture.
It's about finding a more positive or constructive way to view a challenge, which helps in handling emotions better.
Practice it and you will improve your emotional intelligence because you learn to see things in a new light, making you more empathetic and adaptable.
For example:
Imagine you're leading a team, and one member keeps pushing back on your ideas. Instead of thinking, "They're always against me," reframe it to, "They're passionate about the project and want the best outcome." This shift in thinking can make you more patient and open to collaboration.
8. Active Listening
Listening and paying attention to nonverbal cues is vital to developing emotional intelligence.
The way to improve your listening skills is to practice "active listening." This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.
Active listening helps prevent misunderstandings, shows the proper respect to the person speaking, and gives you the best chance of responding appropriately. It is also an excellent starting point for people to improve their communication skills.
Final Takeaways
Leaders need Emotional Intelligence not only to manage complex projects effectively but also to lead a fulfilling life and career.
In summary, emotionally intelligent people:
Are able to understand their strengths and weaknesses and know where to improve.
Have a steady grasp on their emotions and don’t act impulsively.
Are motivated and productive regardless of circumstances.
Are able to put themselves in the shoes of others.
Are good team players and capable of letting others shine.
The more that you, as a leader, excel in each of Goleman's five key elements of Emotional Intelligence – self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills – the more effective as a leader you will be.
Until next week,
Kyle Nitchen
Influential Ideas
🎧 Podcast Appearance: Off the Hook Podcast with Erica and Luke
A couple weeks ago I chatted with Erica Lockwood and Luke Hill about my journey in the construction industry, the inspirations behind The Influential Project Manager newsletter, and a ton of other great information about leadership in the commercial construction industry. Listen to the episode here.
📆 Speaking Appearance: The Lean Construction in The Field Conference
Sept. 13-14, 2023 (8AM - 4:30PM PDT) - Virtual
I'm thrilled to share that I've been selected to speak at the 4th annual Lean Construction in the Field Conference put on by the Lean Construction Blog! I strongly encourage anyone in the construction field to join us for this experience. It's a fantastic opportunity to learn from advanced practitioners, network with industry peers, and uplift your project management game. Register with EARLY BIRD here.
Thanks for reading! Want to work together?
📣 Want your product or service featured in this newsletter?
Sponsor 'The Influential Project Manager' and directly engage our dedicated community of 2,000+ construction pros. They trust our weekly insights to boost leadership and project success.
☎ 1-on-1 Coaching
Are you interested in diving deeper into a particular topic or strategy? Book time with me for a 1:1 coaching or strategy session.
🎙 Interviews
Occasionally I guest appear on podcast shows to discuss leadership, construction project management, and continuous improvement. If you have a show and interested in interviewing me, feel free to get in touch.
📧 Support this Newsletter
The Influential Project Manager articles will remain free, but if you find this work valuable, I encourage you to become a paid subscriber. As a paid subscriber, you’ll help support this work.