Networking is Dead 💀

Why it's true (and how to become an "anti-networker")

Oct 22, 2024

Harsh Truth: Networking is dead…at least in the traditional sense of the word.
I’m not a natural at building relationships. In fact, I lean introverted and can get socially-anxious in large group settings like conferences, cocktail parties, and events. But over the years, I’ve learned that the key isn’t networking—it’s connecting. And the difference is night and day.
This newsletter shares four simple "anti-networking" principles that anyone can use: (1) Find Value-Aligned Rooms, (2) Ask Questions That Matter, (3) Listen Like a Pro, and (4) Use Strategic Follow-Ups.

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💀 Networking is Dead

Filed under: Leadership & Managing People

Hey there!

I’m coming at you this week from the 26th Lean Construction Institute (LCI) Congress in sunny San Diego.

Being here, surrounded by brilliant minds in the industry, got me thinking about an idea I heard from Sahil Bloom:

Networking is dead.

...at least in the traditional sense of the word.

Handing out business cards, trying to “work the room,” or racking up LinkedIn connections? It’s not where the magic happens anymore.

You don’t get anywhere with more surface-level contacts. You get somewhere by building genuine relationships.

Acting in the service of others
Creating value for those around you
Giving with no intention of receiving in return

And I’ll be honest: I’m not a natural at building relationships. In fact, I lean introverted and can get socially-anxious in large group settings like conferences, cocktail parties, and events. But over the years, I’ve learned that the key isn’t networking—it’s connecting. And the difference is night and day.

That’s what I want to share with you today—how to ditch transactional networking and start building authentic relationships that last.

Whether you're moving to a new area, starting a new job, progressing in your current career, going to a professional event, or just want to make new friends, this guide will help.

1. Find Value-Aligned Rooms

The best advice I've ever received about building new relationships:

Put yourself into rooms with people who align with your values.

Think about your core values, hobbies, and professional interests. What spaces naturally attract people with a similar mindset? This could be personal (dog parks, gyms, farmer’s markets) or professional (conferences, mixers, or networking dinners).

The point is to increase your odds of meeting the right people by showing up where they already are.

Put yourself in the right rooms, and you’ll be halfway to building meaningful relationships.

2. Ask Questions That Matter

Once you're in the rooms, strike up conversations with new people.

A warm smile and hello are usually enough to break the ice. From there, skip the typical “What do you do?” question—it's a conversation killer. Instead, ask:

“What are you most excited about right now?”
“What’s your connection to this event?”
“What’s lighting you up outside of work?”
“What are you most excited about currently?”
“What’s your favorite book you’ve read recently?’

The goal is to focus less on being interesting and more on being interested. That mindset makes connecting easier.

Great relationships start with great questions.

3. Listen Like a Pro

Most people listen on autopilot, waiting for their turn to speak. Charismatic people listen to understand.

There is a concept I love that there are three levels of listening:

Level 1: "Me" Listening - You're having a conversation, but your internal voice is relating everything you hear to something in your own life. Your internal voice runs off on tangents, thinking about your own life while the other person is talking about theirs. You're waiting to speak, not listening to learn. This is the default mode of listening for everyone.
Level 2: "You" Listening - You're having a conversation, and you are deeply focused on what the other person is saying. You are present and intently focused. You're not waiting to speak, you're listening to learn.
Level 3: "Us" Listening - You're building a "map" of the other person, understanding how all the new information they are sharing fits into that broader map of their life and world. You're listening to understand, considering the layers beneath what the other person is saying.

Most people default to Level 1 listening. Become a Level 2 and 3 listener, and people will feel seen, heard, and valued.

Be a loud listener: After you ask questions, lean in, show your focus and presence with body language, facial expressions, and sounds. As you listen, make mental notes of a few pertinent facts about the person, their interests, or anything else that jumps out to you.

Listening is your relationship-building superpower.

4. Use Strategic Follow-Ups

When the conversation ends, wrap it up gracefully:

“It was so great meeting you. I look forward to connecting again soon!” If it feels right, offer to exchange contact info.

Then, follow up thoughtfully:

Send an article or podcast they’ll love.
Offer a helpful idea related to something they shared.
Make an introduction to someone aligned with their interests.

The aim is to show you listened and took action.

Thoughtful follow-ups turn good conversations into lasting connections.

🏗️ Less Networking, More Building

Stop chasing random contacts. Focus on building, not networking.

Build communities
Build genuine relationships
Build skills that create value for others

When you focus on building, the rest will take care of itself.

Stop networking, start building.

Until next week,

Kyle Nitchen

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